always thinking to myself one day i will not have to put up with this
but who am i kidding where is my confidence
where are my happy endings?
bridges are burning and I didn't even start these fires but th at is how the story goes always incomplete and unsatisfied alwaysthinking i could have done this or that better but meanwhile stagnating in my own shit and self pity doing absolutely nothing but the bare minimum like those before me. There are always railings in life, that keep us safe and keep us going where we need to go next but only if you venture further do you find the interesting places barely travelled. I know it's scary without the railings and that is why I haven't gone past them yet, why I have yet to do anything on my own that people would say "That is crazy, that is risky" but lucrative, right? I want to have my satisfied story, I want to be the interest in every conversation the person looked at in a room not the one ignored and pretended to not even exist, my mannerisms betray me. She says I look like I have money, and I always think of myself as the peasant nobility, the poorman with social grace. Social grace comes easy when no one pays you any mind. I can pick my nose in public for all anyone cares, but who am I kidding? I just want a girl to stare back at me when I'm staring at her like a deprived loser. Even if I do have my finger in my nose, maybe she'll think it's funny or maybe I'll get lucky and the trigger'll go off. Now that's a memory.
I don't want to suffer imagined pain anymore, I want to feel complete and satisfied with what I have for once. I don't want to feel like I am doing everything wrong all the time, I want to think of myself as someone who is living a life worth living and not just another piece in a dusty puzzle. I want to turn heads and be the talk of the town, I want to be the most vain asshole that was ever polite to you. I want to be the standard for which everything else compares, I want to start a revolution that everyone wants to be a part of. I want this and I want that but most of all I want to feel like I can sit down to relax without thinking of so many other pointlessly important things I need to be doing at that exact moment.
I think I wish the days were a few hours longer, and that I could split myself into multiple equally cognitive beings. I want an assistant. I want to be rich and famous, I want to be hyper intelligent and always profitable but yet always charitable. I want to please the world by pleasing myself first.